San Fransico Chronicle
With Rooneys and Evans' recent form in question, answers were needed and were supplied.
In a scrappy 1st half display the game seemed destined for a bore 0-0 draw. Frustration was kicking in on both sides as the deadlock could not be broken. An ice cool head was needed, and the dont come much cooler than Evans.
Dale served in the ball like mister softee after a night out on the piss. With the ball swirling all over the place most players would be delighted just to get a lucky touch off their knee. Most players... Evans isnt most players.
"get the ball down and start again" ian heathrington screamed! as the ball looped in the air. This is when the 1st of 3 death touches came. Evans somehow managed to control the ball using his thigh before it even hit the ground. With his back to goal the ball sat up in the air. Defenders were angered at this point, charging and screaming from behind him. I'm not sure how he knew where the defenders were postioned because he couldnt even see them, sport scientists like to call it 'kinosethic response'. With his 2nd touch he moved the ball over the defenders head, "it was something out of Paul Daniels magic book, i see the ball then it vanished" spoke the defender. Evans then span on the six punce, ball still floating through the air... This is when his ics cool composure benefitted. The handful of players who would fine themselves in this position would panick or be in total admiration of there on skill slapping the ball over the bar. No... not this man. He kept composure a sweetly exacuted the ball on the volley. Not to much power, no more pace than nesscerry. The goalkeeper laughed to himself "SAFE!" he shouted quickly followed by a "JESUS CRIST, ITS GOING IN!" scrambling to the bottom corner liek a crab with a wooden leg. The ball nestled into to inside netting, pure perfection, pure brilliance, pure game over! We caught up with Steve Warburton after the game "Scot told me about this move Danny had been trying in training lately. I told him that it was impossible, that no man on gods Earth could do it. How i should of believed him, I know my art, and THAT WAS ART!"
Old boys went on to win 3-0 with sum other people scoring other goals.
North Dakota Daily
IF THERES A BRAMA THERES AN EVANS!
It's not the first time brama and evans have been mentioned in the same sentence, and it wont be the last!
Old Boys come in deflated at half time, narrowly 2-1 up. With Evans only pulling out 5 or 6 majestic magic tricks the game was getting boring. Old boys battled hard and made it 3-1, Evans was probably involved in that one too but no-one will remember that for later events!
With the smash and grab of 3 points over old boys started showboating! "Stop mucking about" Evans screamed "they only gotta get 2 to get back into it!" No-one listened! Fowler started pulling out beardsley shuffles on the edge of the box, brooksey was balancing the ball on his head. There's a time and a place as Evans knows AND THIS WAS NEITHER.
The eventual happened and Enysham leveled with no time to go! Old boys drew 3-3. Well that's what i thought! I already left in my car on the way home, there weren't enough time left even for Evans. Oh how i was wrong!
Listening to 5 live in the car Fozzie fujak played a 50 yard Hollywood pass onto the edge of the box. With the sun setting into the horizon he knew know one would be able to see the ball, even himself! With the ball floating from the heavens, Evans found it like a blind man looking for toilet paper after a curry night!
No time, and no space prevented Evans from cushioning the ball. There was only one stupid option to take! Hit it 1st time on the volley while not being able to see the ball! Well to any footballing genius this would be stupid. However your forgetting, Evans is a footballing WIZARD!
23 1/2 yards out Evans jumped like kangeroo on a pole vault cushioning the volley over a bewildered goalie. The crowd roared! The Black Horse erupted! The gash cried!
Evans finished his master class with a master class in celebrating with a 'back flic handspring' worthy of a 9.8/10 at the Olympics.
We caught up with Charlie Ferguson after he had finished crying with joy. "My half time talk inspired the lads, it is true we are a lucky side to have such a young good looking talent! HE CAN WIN A MATCH FOR ANY TEAM AT ANY TIME" Gary Coyle butted in through the interview "Can i get a video of the goal, im gunna practice it in the garden!"
New Pittsburg Mail
WHO SAYS LIGHTNING DOESNT STRIKE TWICE?
The build up to this game was buzzing, memories of Evans' last gasp unwind assisted corner from previous years still echo's around the ground. You can feel the ora that this man has left! It must be confidence draining for any opposing team!
In a bleak half hour the game needed a spark, and Evans was holding the Olympic torch!It was almost as if Fans Favourite Danny Evans sensed it?
Back to goal and with a scrambled ball at the edge of the box he somehow managed to slide tackle, cruyff turn and stand within one seemingless motion. Im not sure whether it was a dance move or art but supreme elegence is all it can be described.
Most people would celebrate like theyve scored a winning goal just from that move alone. Not Evans, he knew the hard work was yet to come! With the ball at his feet standing towards goals, defenders charged towards him. This didnt phase the lad, his experience from charging gash in town circumed this feble effort! With the trademark 'Danny drop' he dropped his shoulder. The defender was sold! bagged!, tagged!, and ready for departure.
With a quick shuffle Evans darted to the left, another defender charged! Most people would of panicked, not Evans. Although his feet are fast, his head is quicker! Knowing the goalie was short sighted (took his glasses off before the match), the defender was blocking his view and the sun being at the correct angle, this was a perfect opportunity to blast one home!
NO! is that elegence, is that Evans' style of play.
The defender charged quicker and harder! The goal was shrinking quicker than Gothys cock in the shower. Im sure the only angle he could see was the post. He raised his foot and curessed the ball. If the ball would have been a baby it still would of went in without being hurt!
Enysham players cheered as it hit the post.
Evans turnt away, sniggerring to himself!
WHAT? HOW? the goalie screamed! The ball tanatalisingly rolled on, and then across the line just to add a bit of excitement.
Dale screamed "Danny, Danny, you've scored, you've scored! unbelievable!" Evans's replied "good, NOW LETS GET BACK OUR SHAPE!"
We caught up with Keith Green after the game to comment "what can i say? another masterclass lesson from the master himself, you cant even practice those things in training!"
Have Enysham been unlucky to witness not 1 but 2 pieces of footballing genius on them over the years? I would say they've been very lucky!
Name: Orlando Weekly
Sent 19.39 - 14/02/05
'CAPTAIN GOALS' CUMS TO THE RESCUE!
With the title slipping out of the Old Boys hands, many players were starting to feel the pressure. Anxiety, Nerves call it whatever you want many players weren't coping out there on this blustery February afternoon! It seemed like they needed to be inspired? Something or someone they could look up? Danny Evans fitted both these criteria's! 3 points were drifting away and with only 74mins to play the strain was showing on Swanny's face! "SKIPPER..., SKIPS! Swanny shouted" Evans turnt round. No words were exchanged just a nod from Swanny. Evans knew! The ball was headed out of the defence and edged towards the by line. The Marston Left winger shepherded the ball like Aidy East round gash. There wasn't a chance, he had no right, impossible! It can only be described as rubber legs, but he somehow managed to bend his leg round the player and flick the ball past him, all in one fluid motion. With a lightning sharp turn Evans was off. Linford Christie described it once as going on the B of the BANG, however light travels faster than sound! Strutting down the wing with the ball stuck to his foot like Velcro, the Beardsley shuffle emerged to flow round the 1st defender. Guiding the ball between the boggy pitch Andy picked up the ball. The tough conditions forced him to slip and back heeled it through the defender legs. Usually the play would have broken down, u would of thought? Nope! he somehow read it? Galloping forward on the edge of the Marston Box (bearing in mind the move started on the edge of the Old Boys box) he caressed the ball out wide to Ben! Darting into the box the return pass was made simple by the angle of the run. Evans was hungry and Ben was serving dinner!
One touch on the left foot Evans had to keep the ball off the ground so it wouldn't get stuck in the mud. Shuffling his body he struck the ball with his right foot. "Unlucky Danny, just over, great football" Rex shouted! Evans turnt round and walked off. Smiling. There was an eerie silence. "ITS IN!!!!!" Les White screamed clenching his fist whilst jumping for joy. The ball looped over the goalie and nestled into the back of the net! 1-0, 1 more goal, 3 points!
We caught up with Charlie after the game! "I wasn't that gutted I missed the goal because I see magical things happen at training from him every week. I remember one time we played cross bar challenge....." (25mins later) ".....and it all ended in gash with Evans drilling 5 of um. What a bloke!"
The final score was 3-1, Evans also assisted with the other 2.
Name: M40 gash
Sent: 14.04 - 8/11
Hi, me n my friend were happily trotting along the M40 saturday afternoon on the way to work in our soho massage parlour, when we noticed 5 strikingly good looking young chaps fly past us in a green rover 200. we then proceeded to overtake them to have a quick perv at them before we started our shift, when, to our pleasant surprise, noticed that the men inside were in fact the 5 best looking blokes we have ever had the pleasure of seeing in our lives. We paid particular attention to the driver (pick of the bunch) and wondered; what is his name? What does he do for work to afford to drive such a passion wagon? is he hung?
We decided to investigate further, and, noticing that they left the road at the Watlington junction, were wondering if they indeed were footballers travelling to the old boys reserves v Watlington fixture. Please would you be able to confirm this for us, and let us know the name of the fit driver? Is he any good? is he single? is he hung? Im getting wet just thinking about him! please give us more info, and we may even grace you with our presence in the future to watch you storm to your second double in two years!!
New York Times
Sent: 19.08 - 27/9
With the name Evans still buzzing around Marston Manor from last seasons 2 epic goals (cup semi solo run & league match solo run top right corner with the keeper clapping in disbelief) fans flocked to ground to hopefully witness another miracle. They weren't disappointed!
0 - 0 at half time and old boys rallied round for half time. Evans could see his team were demoralised, 45mins and Evans hadn't scored or created 1 who wouldn't be. Teams kicked off for the 2nd half and It seemed as if Evans took the game by the scrough of the neck. With only 40 mins remaining swanny screamed at danny, "Make something happen, i want nothing less than a 2-0 win" Evans replied "I'll make it 3-0" The ball squirmed into the top right corner of the pitch, Evans only had 1 player to beat, you've heard it before right? NO! this time it was different, he had mole hills to take into consideration as well as his team mates flooding the box. With a simple drop of the shoulder he hovered in and out of the mole hills and with a simple Beardsley shuffle took both goalkeeper and defender out the game for someone else to take some glory for a change. Another goal past and old boys were 2-0 up, however the game wasn't over! That was until Evans had his next touch! The ball pumped up field, Evans reading the bounce like Mick Harris studying the account books! The defender was left standing, 41 yards from goal no one could imagine what was next to come! How did he, how did he know? How did he know the keeper was 2 yards off his line? This reporter was left speechless! Evans caressed the ball into the air, "Bad luck Danny fucking great effort", Baker shouted, "Good attempt, but don't be so flamboyant Danny" Swanny said. Evans just smiled to himself as he turnt around and walked to the half way line. "FUCKING HELL!!!, look at the dip Evans put on the ball!, Danny YOU'VE SCORED!!!" Fowler screamed. "I know, get back in, we don't wanna lose our shape!" Evans commanded. We managed to catch up with Charlie Ferguson after the game, Do you teach how to put special dip on the ball at training? "Don't ask stupid questions, you cant teach that, its natural ability, RAW talent! I'm just gutted i couldn't have witnessed it" We tried to get a word with Evans after the game, however he rushed off to meet 3 bits of gash in town!
Name: The Sun
Sent: 10.09 - 12/9
Hasselbanks record for the hardest shot came under threat yesterday as Evans unleashed a thunderbolt from heaven to bring Old Boys back into the game and probably title contention! In the 43rd minute Clancy scrambled a ball back to the edge of the box. Bouncing and bobbing to the edge of the box Chadlington defenders chased the ball down like Kelly Holmes in the home stretch. With the defender looking out with the corner of his eye only then did he realise who he was up against! Evans already knew he had the better of him. Evans knew there was only seconds before half time, no time for him to take it round the defender and goalie. That's when he let loose the best strike of a ball probably seen to man kind! "at first i thought al-queda missile" les white spoke. "I heard the crowd roar from O.U.P., i instantly thought Evans" said Gary Coyle. "I just managed to catch it on the big screen at my party, awesome!" commented Richard Branson. "He's also gifted with stunning looks as well!" spoke Holly Branson. As the ball nestled into the top corner, from what can only be described as intimidation or just sheer respect from the defender he just stood in amazement and clapped his hands. "If you cant beat him, just admire him!"
Evans declined to comment in light of the recent England events
Sent some time after pre season game
Old boys were 3-2 winners in an epic pre season battle last night, again with Evans running the show. 1st half saw Evans dogging up and down the left flank although his presence was enough to scare the Kidlington defence he was out the game. Gary Coyle obviously knew this and made tactical changes at half time "we needed Evans to be involved more, he's the zidane of the old boys" spoke Coyle at the half time interview. The 2nd got underway and the changes made proved to be formidable. around 58mins into the game the ball broke lose to Evans around 35yards out. Using his shoulder he dipped like the titanic and completely threw the defender. Now 1 on 1 with his old mate Adam Peck Evans knew something special had to be pulled out. He Knew Peck would probably know his array of tricks, something knew had to be created! THE DUMMY SCOOP! With Evans looking to the sky pretending to go for the scoop he completely to the GK of guard. Peck was back pedalling almost waiting for the ball, so with a touch of class Evans slotted the ball home into the corner. Peck said after the game " i was beating by the best! there's no shame in that!" Lets just hope old boys are paying Evans enough or he soon could be joining Becks and Co. to become a Galaetico.